Before responding to your question (see Eleanor Bridges’), The Interim wishes to offer you thanks for your poignant letter and our prayerful encouragement to you, your son and your family at this difficult time. You are struggling to reconcile your hopes for an ideal Christian family life with what seems right now to be an unbearable cross. Please know that, in your situation as always, God does supply the grace necessary for fidelity to his commands.
In any discussion of “homosexuality,” it is essential to be clear about definitions. You identify your son as “gay.” It would be more precise to describe him as a person first, one who experiences (or suffers from) same-sex attraction. At The Interim, we take care to separate the person from the act of, or even the inclination towards, homosexual behaviour. We also honour your son’s free will, in that – while he has not chosen the tendency to have “gay feelings” – he can choose whether or not he will participate in the gay lifestyle and culture.
Homosexual behaviour is wrong, because it does not allow the participants to express themselves according to the complimentary and generative nature of their bodies and souls. Male-male and female-female sex acts do not respect the anatomy and personalities with which God has carefully designed men and women. They can never be open to life. Homosexual behaviour puts the participants – and society – in danger. It does not respect persons’ bodies as temples of the Lord. It denies the possibility of continence and grace. Its “affirmation” demands disobedience and leads to disorder and decadence, whether its conduct is in private or not.
At The Interim, we do not consider it charitable to hide from people struggling with homosexual inclinations the considerable risks to their physical, mental and spiritual well-being that are associated with the gay lifestyle. We do not consider it rational to discuss the question of “gay rights” without regard to the consequences – for adults and children, marriage, the family, the church and society. We seek to promote authentic liberty for all people and to preserve the rights to freedom of religion, speech, assembly and the press, which are now being jeopardized by homosexualism.
To quote blogger Eve Tushnet on this topic, “The sacrifices you want to make aren’t always the only sacrifices God wants.” That statement is as true for the person experiencing same-sex attraction as it is for any other Christian. Your son’s involuntary homosexual tendency is not sinful, but it is objectively disordered and his acting upon those inclinations would be objectively sinful. It would also be sinful for any of us who know otherwise to mislead your son by denying these realities and condoning sinful behaviour. All of us are called to carry our own respective crosses and to help shoulder one another’s crosses as well.
To answer your question: your son most certainly can be an excellent Christian while struggling with same-sex attraction, as long as he perseveres in offering all of himself –not least his sexuality – to God. No person can simultaneously persist in deliberate, serious sin and “live a good Christian life.” Yes, we have each fallen short of God’s glory, but that is no reason to excuse or abet others in turning away from the commands of a loving God. Please persist in prayerfully obtaining the support necessary for yourself, your son and your family.
Suicidality should always be taken seriously. Please continue to assist your son to obtain the assessments and treatments he needs. Don’t be afraid to ask if he is thinking of harming himself and has a plan for that. If you need more information on depression and suicide, please ask your pastor or therapist. Please do not condemn yourself and/or your husband for your son’s same-sex attraction or reduce his suicidality only to his same-sex attraction (or to his attempt to reconcile these inclinations with the faith). An honest examination of your consciences and commitment to pursue the truth in love will suffice. There may well be more than one causative factor for this disorder and what has led him to this inclination may also be a factor in his suicide attempt.
It may be that your son will continue to struggle with same-sex attraction for the foreseeable future. There are indeed many formerly gay-identified people who have successfully undergone reparative (conversion) therapy and been delivered of same-sex attraction. Your family is free to pray for your son’s deliverance, but virtue does not require you to be optimistic, only to be hopeful. For reasons that we do not understand, some people who would like to have this cross removed continue to carry it. It is indeed painful to consider and accept that our children – whom we would far prefer to protect from hardship – are faced with burdensome trials.
In addition to prayer, pastoral care and therapy, your son needs exposure to other men struggling with same-sex attraction, who have placed their Christian commitment first in their lives and are trying to live chastely. According to our respective states in life, all Christians are called to chastity. It is a myth that the only options available to your son are to be either openly gay-identified or to be closeted in denial of those “gay feelings.” There is a third way: he can discreetly, but openly, share the truth with trusted individuals who will show him love, give him guidance and hold him to Christian accountability.
If we better acknowledged the reality of Christians living chastely with same-sex attraction, your son would not feel so isolated in his struggle. May we recommend Beyond Gay by David Morrison, suggest that you try the Catholic ministry Courage and that your family (including your son’s adolescent siblings) try the ministry Encourage. If there are no groups meeting face-to-face in your area, go to Courage Online (founded by Morrison) at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CourageOnline. Perhaps in the future, you may be called to start a local group with interested others in your area.
We are interested in the topic you propose and will consider it for future elaboration. We have and will continue to cover a variety of same-sex issues in this paper and thank you for your continued support.
