Premier Mike Harris was on the phone! As soon as I saw that it was Mike, I regretted taking on the job of chief fundraiser and ticket seller for the Mike Harris Victory Retirement Dinner and Silent Auction at the Air Canada Centre in Toronto. It had all the earmarks of a disaster – a real disaster.
“Frank, how’s the dinner coming along?” Mike asked. “I haven’t been able to get hold of you. I guess you’ve been busy on the phone. I hear the ticket sales aren’t going too well. What are you getting – yeses or no’s?”
“We’re not getting ‘yes’ or ‘no’ – we’re getting ‘Who?'”
“Oh, they think I’m a lame duck, do they?”
“I wouldn’t say that, Mike. A duck is a useful bird. I’d say you’re more like a 10-ton anchor.”
“What did Janet Ecker say?”
“She said: ‘Who?'”
“What did Jim Flaherty say?”
“Jim said the dinner was on the night he had to take his dog to the vet for his shots for the year. He also called you ‘Bill’ Harris.”
“Oh, no!” screamed Mike. “What about Elizabeth Witmer?”
“Elizabeth can’t make it. It’s her bowling night with some of the boys in the Legion.”
“What about Tony Clement?”
“Clement can’t make it. He’s giving out trophies at the Knights of Columbus Hockey League finals. But he’s sending his secretary.”
“Do you think $500 a plate is too much?”
“Oh I don’t know, Mike. Some think five bucks is too much.”
“What about those Bay Street big givers? Who do you think filled their four-car garages with BMWs?!”
“Mike, they think you’re chopped liver.”
“When you’re talking to these guys, why can’t you list some of my achievements?”
“We do. We tell them there are a lot more millionaires in Ontario since you got in six years ago.”
“That’s better.”
“Ontario is booming!”
“True.”
“And so are our food banks.”
“Do you have to mention that?”
“Then, Mike, we hit them with the fact that there’s more poor people in Ontario than ever before – that the gap between the rich and the poor has widened considerably since you got in and is growing rapidly.”
“Are you crazy? You mention that?”
“You’ve always been an in-your-face guy, Mike. And they keep asking these tough questions.”
“Like?”
“Why do you need $2.2 billion more in federal transfer payments?”
“What do you tell them?”
“That you need it to cover your tax cuts for the rich and in particular, for the good corporate buddies who are your financial supporters.”
“Are you sure this selling strategy will work?”
“I hope so. Then we tell them that health care is getting ‘unaffordable’ and that’s why we need two-tier health care!”
“Way to hit them!”
“Our educational system is collapsing! Test the teachers!”
“Smart!”
“Our pitch to the moneymen on Bay Street is: ‘Show your gratitude to Premier Mike Harris and keep your place at the trough!'”
“The dinner’s a bargain.”
“And we tell them that you’re planning to build public libraries in the emergency rooms of hospitals. No more boring waiting around.”
“We are!”
“And we also promised that any nurses who attended the dinner and could prove they were exhausted from working 16-hour shifts will get an autographed, free golf video: Relaxing with Mike Harris.”
“Great idea!”
“I told the big Bay Street guys what I thought your speech was going to be about.” “You did?”
“Yes – that times were getting tough and it was their patriotic duty to help Ontario out in its need, since the U.S. economy is dragging us down. That you wanted the corporations to give back that $2.2-billion tax gift. And you wanted it now!”