I had this nightmare recently – only I was wide awake while I was having it. I was shocked by what I saw on the Internet: WANTED: STOCKWELL DAY, AN ESCAPED AND DANGEROUS CHRISTIAN – FIVE MILLION DOLLAR REWARD!

What?! I knew the media had described Stockwell Day as “scary” because he believes in creationism and when Stockwell ran for prime minister he wouldn’t work on Sunday unless there was an emergency because he believed in keeping holy the Sabbath Day, but what was this all about?

There on the screen were all the details. The Supreme Court of Canada had agreed with Clayton Ruby and convicted Stockwell as a “rabid Christian fundamentalist” and therefore a menace to society and gave Stock a life sentence in Kingston Pen. (Karla Homulka was one of the witnesses that testified against Stockwell about the dangers of Christian fundamentalism.)

The good news is that Stockwell swapped his wetsuit for a prison guard’s uniform and walked out of the Kingston Pen. He is said to be now in the Afghanistan embassy seeking refugee status in their country.

Stockwell’s conviction was the result of an overheard conversation in an Ottawa bar that was taped by an overzealous CBC TV news reporter. Apparently Stock, over his third chocolate milkshake, had called a homosexual a sodomite. On listening to the evidence the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that you could call a person a “homosexual” but not a sodomite – describing “sodomy” as a disgusting term.

While they were at it, the Supreme Court also ruled that the term “pre-natal homicide” – a euphemism for abortion coined by yours truly – was libelous and punishable with a prison term. (Oh, my goodness, I thought, they’ll be soon coming for me!)

Terms such as “pro-life” were described as “too vague” and not allowed. “Anti-abortionist” and “pro-choice” terms were OK. A whole list of euphemisms such as “reproductive choice” and “sexual orientation” were allowed.

Stockwell’s lawsuit

On the Internet I saw that Stockwell Day had recently settled an anti-defamation case via the Risk Management Fund, a publicly funded legal insurance plan for Alberta government employees, paying damages and legal costs estimated at between $300,000 and $1.4 million. This was for a letter Stock wrote on government stationary as an Alberta MLA in April 1999 to the Red Deer Advocate, (daily circulation 20,000). The letter accused a certain Mr. Goddard, a lawyer, of believing “It is fine for a teacher to possess child porn.” Goddard was defending a convicted paedophile at the time. Heavens! Up to $1.4-million for that! Seriously injured crime victims in Ontario are lucky if they get enough to buy a bicycle.

One lawyer said that Mr. Day’s letter was not in his official capacity related to his duties as an Alberta MLA. Does this mean that an MLA can’t speak out on moral issues that effect the every day lives of the people of Alberta? Is he confined to discussing taxes, crop failures, oil issues, or whether or not Alberta should take Toronto’s garbage? (It’s available, by the way.) Obviously and wisely Stockwell didn’t think that he would fare well in court because the judiciary in Alberta as well as the rest of Canada, when they’re not making the laws, are busy re-making the laws to fit in with their preconceived prejudices.

I figured that Stock didn’t have a chance with those Supreme Court justices – most of them haven’t been in church since Pierre Trudeau died. The door was closing on Stock and other believers after a Ontario Christian independent printer was recently fined $5,000 by the Ontario Human Rights Commission for refusing to print letterhead for a homosexual and lesbian activist group. There is also a move afoot to deprive him of a licence to conduct business. That figures – the Commission is headed by a homosexual activist. Democracy is soon heading for the waste paper basket, I thought.

Even the federal government couldn’t win an appeal of a B.C. child-pornography case recently before the Supreme Court of Canada that exonerated the pornographer. They ended up paying court costs.

My Internet nightmare finished off with a knock on the door, and there was Stockwell Day! He looked worried and was seeking a place to crash. I told him I had the answer. If anybody is looking for us we are hiding out in the Afghanistan embassy. Afghanistan here we come!