I was talking recently to Professor “Bernard Grumphoffer,” a prominent biologist at a large, mid-Western university, who claimed that gay sex won’t work. He said that a saw is not a hammer and a hammer is not a saw and everything has a primary purpose. Gay sex does not fit into that premise.

(Professor Grumphoffer asked that his real name not be used because he doesn’t have tenure at the university where he is teaching. He also has a part-time job at Tim Hortons and doesn’t want to lose either position. He has been on the blacklist of university professors because he won’t attend “gay pride” parades. If some people found out his real opinion on same-sex marriages, they would use his hide as a dartboard.)

Grumphoffer said that, judging from the decisions that Ontario Supreme Court justices have rendered recently regarding same-sex marriage, he would have failed them all in first-year biology, for their lamentable lack of knowledge of the basics of the subject. Grumphoffer said toilets would be overflowing and basements flooded if plumbers couldn’t figure out the difference between “female” and “male” plumbing connections. He said everybody should know that a ram is not a ewe, a stallion is not a mare and a gelding is just an onlooker.

These same justices, he said, mistake education for intelligence and an open, sieve-like mind for innovative thinking. Grumphoffer said the Toronto Star had a questionable editorial, headlined: “Time has arrived for same-sex marriages.” If the Star had dared to publish that 40 years ago, the Toronto Telegram would still be in business and the Star would be as dead as Joe Clark’s hopes of becoming prime minister.

Grumphoffer denounced the federal Liberal Party for employing a polling company to determine whether to appeal an Ontario Divisional Court ruling ordering government to end all distinctions between homosexual and heterosexual marriage. The Liberals, he said, should stop getting into bed with the gays and remind everybody that the Supreme Court and Parliament have already agreed that marriage is between a man and a woman!

Remember that old saying: it’s not Adam and Steve, it’s Adam and Eve. Do they need a backbone transplant? Or a refresher course in biology? Maybe, he suggested, prospective judges should take a year-long course in biology before being called to the bench.

Grumphoffer said it’s an old refuge for political scoundrels to resort to polls. In this way, political decisions are determined not by the right course of action, but by the result of the polls. However, Grumphoffer was grateful that politicians at least weren’t using an Ouija board.

Think, he said, if today we took a poll of the Ten Commandments and whether we should observe them or not. Some Commandments would be very popular with us, such as, “Love God and your neighbour,” “Honor your father and your mother,” “Thou shalt not steal.”

But, asked Grumphoffer, what about the other Commandments – the ones that are not so popular? Should we observe them? Maybe we need a new commandment: “Do not buy a bundle of stock in our company. We are heading for bankruptcy because we have been cooking the books.”

What has happened, said Grumphoffer, is that the secular media have poisoned the public. The secular media say sodomy is okay. Or it’s like golf – if you don’t want to play, that’s your business.

MPs run their political lives by polls based heavily on what the secular media convince the public to be right and wrong. Grumphoffer was afraid that biology may be banned from our schools because some will claim it’s anti-homosexual. In that case, Grumphoffer said, he would have to get a full-time job at Tim Hortons.

Grumphoffer called most judges loyal Liberal party hacks and asked: “What are they doing making laws? I thought we had members of Parliament to do that.” He said judges should have tattooed on their foreheads: “I did not come here to make laws, but to interpret them.”

Between the gay lobbyists, unelected judges making laws, and the pollsters, a new religion may emerge. And it sure won’t be ours.