I read a wonderful write-up in the Toronto Star recently by Nicole Saute, starting on the front page about a Toronto man reuniting with his birth mother after a 12-year search. You’d swear that Jamie Low had just won a $12 million jackpot. In a way he had. A most enjoyable and an un-buyable occasion occurred when mother and son finally overcame all obstacles and got together.
Over 10,000 people – mothers and daughters and sons – are trying to hit that same jackpot. What an amazing pent-up desire was revealed demonstrating a desire to be loved and to love and curiosity about who they were. Does he have my hair or does he have any hair? I just want to know and zillions of other things, they say.
It was only one year ago that Ontario opened its adoption records after a 30-year fight launched by members of the adoption community. Both parties – adult adoptees and biological mothers could finally apply for copies of their adoption orders and their birth registrations by simply mailing applications to the Office of the Registrar General. Congratulations are in order to those people who fought so valiantly all those years to get that information!
The Internet has brought about many reunions. Facebook, new on the scene, is also responsible for many joyous reunions. Nobody has been accused of looking for a rich old uncle or a rich old aunt.
There have been many happy reunions but a few disappointments as well, especially after 30 years have gone by and especially when searchers run into the “non-disclosure veto.” I take issue with these adults who don’t want their comfort zone invaded. They owe a great debt to their birth mother for giving birth to them. She could have taken the Morgentaler route and they would never have been born.
Remember you “Non-disclosure vetoers” it’s cold hearted and arrogant to turn down a chance for a chin-wag and a get-together with long-lost family. It’s sad to find that the person they sought didn’t want to be found. Too bad and short-sighted for them; they could be missing a lot of fun and excitement.
It’s taken 30 years for the bureaucracy to open the vault and now they want to stall another four years to 2014 to let the people know the biological fathers’ names on the names being released even though the fathers signed a declaration of paternity or indicated it during the adoption proceedings. That means that adult adoptees can’t find their fathers and the
fathers can’t access their child’s post-adoption information. It boils down to needless delays by bureaucratic fuss-pots.
Many of these birth-mothers fought hard to save their babies. Those mothers deserve a lot of credit for not being coerced into having an abortion sometimes by – sad to say – their ill-informed parents not realizing what they were doing. (Hey, that’s a grandchild in there. Maybe a brother or a sister?)
These moms were also not swayed by trivial arguments like “What would the neighbours think? (Your neighbours might be fervent pro-lifers and be all for throwing you a baby shower.) “It’s going to ruin your school year.” (So? It might make it challenging but it’s not going to make it impossible.)
These moms will hear that you will find it impossible to raise a child on their own. (There’s an army of capable would-be parents out there anxious to take on the job. And they’ll love you for ever.)
Often these mothers will hear outright lies from a physician who will tell you that your baby when it’s born will have hydosephilus and will have serious birth problems and will not live. This was a situation that I was personally involved in and the birth mother had a healthy baby and a normal birth and delivery.
These moms will also hear that if you’re unmarried and have a baby. Your personal reputation will be ruined. No. Most people will feel that you’ve been treated cruelly and will come racing to help you. Hopefully.
Friends will warn you that it cost an arm and a leg to raise a child. They’re right. But you are not alone. Aid to Woman, Sisters for Life, Rosalie Hall, and a host of other organizations are out there – ready, willing and anxious to help you. Find them in the phone book or on the internet.
A special salute to all the birth mothers and the adoptees who were seeking to know the people who brought them into the world. Let’s hear it from the grateful adoptees: “Thank you, birth moms.”
