Several times during the five-minute drive home from school, my 11-yea-old reminded me that I still hadn’t paid up the five bucks I owed her. Finally, at a long red light, I searched my wallet for the measly sum, but it was nowhere to be found. As the light turned green and my daughter turned red with exasperation, I realized once again, there was too much month left at the end of my money.

Later, after (Kraft) dinner, I opened the main and that was when the (generic) kitty litter hit the fan. “Tales from the Tax Trough III” (National Citizens Coalition) informed me that while I’ve struggled all year to fill my (rusty) car with (cheap) gas, the Liberals were handing out millions to P.I.G.’s (Political Interest Groups), C.O.W.’s (Cultural Organization Welfare) and C.H.I.C.K.’s (various and sundry Feminist associations).

Now, I’m mad enough to kick the wall (if only I could afford to get it fixed). It irks me to no end that while many of us struggle to put a few toys under the Christmas tree, Chretien is handing out $42,00 grants to the Canadian Association of Toy Libraries. Or while we’re emptying out penny jars so we can rent a video, the Queer Canadian Film Festival is cleaning up with a $4,000 grant from the Feds.

Last week, I briefly contemplated splurging on a $10 haircut, but decided the cat needed to eat instead, so you can imagine how well I took to the fact that some salon called “Blondie’s Hair Care” got a payout from the Libs, without even an explanation. And it really riles me that some fly-by-night theatre company, “Buddies in Bad Times” got a $65,000 grant, while hundred’s of down-sized families were left to cope with truly bad times on their own.

Just in case you haven’t heard enough, here’s some more of the very worthy causes to which Chretien is directing you hard-earned tax dollars.

  • $105,000 to examine the careers of “symphony orchestra conductors and hockey coaches,” $35,000 to study “craft industries in post-medieval Iran” and $5,000 to analyze “the rise of homework and its effects on minority women.”
  • New stereos for MP’s offices cost us $95,000 while condoms destined for federal penitentiaries incurred a whopping $139,000 bill.
  • $280,000 went to various theatrical ensembles, $33,000 was used to promote “music in alternative spaces” and studying “transformations of facial features in the make-up and masks of performers” cost us $49,249.
  • The bill for 161 special interest groups to appear before a Parliamentary Committee set up to examine federal spending was $4,059,235.
  • Every year for the past four, an average of $1,750,000 went to unions, women’s groups got $8,520,250 and multi-cultural programs topped the list at $17,702,000.

The list goes on…

So next time Jean invades your living room with his campaign spiel about preserving “the social safety net,” keep in mind that his English isn’t too good.

He gets confused as to the difference between a social safety net and a pig trough.