Former U.S. president Bill Clinton was on the phone. “Frank, it’s me, Bill! Not Bill Gates! He was the one that suggested I call you and get the real lowdown on Canadian politics. He said if there was anybody who thinks he knows what’s going on in Canada, it’s you.”

“Thanks,” I said lamely. “Say, how’s Belinda coming along? See her much?”

“Not really.”

“But Bill, she’s got another arm to lean on.”

“Yeah, Peter somebody,” said Clinton, apparently unaware of the recent breakup. “Well, she’s a great girl. She’s got a great airplane, too! I hate to have to meet her gas bill, though. I called it ‘the Flying Bedroom.’ Let’s get down to business, Frank. What are you guys doing up there – dumping on your prime minister – that Paul Martin guy? Remember, Frank, that guy Martin is a closet Democrat. I’ve been told you guys love Democrats up there.”

“True. But the issue up here is honesty and integrity. Martin’s Liberals campaigned in 1993 on a promise to eliminate patronage, but the party promptly rigged competitions for government advertising so that they could pay back agencies that helped them win the election.”

“You mean he lied to the Canadian people?!” asked Clinton.


“If you put every politician in jail for lying,” said Clinton, “there wouldn’t be anybody to run the country. Everybody stretches the truth on occasions. Were there big bucks involved?”

“It was a fixed competition and a Liberal advertising agency got a one-year contract for $60 million.”

“It sounds a lot of money to you, but where I come from, it’s just peanuts. Bill Gates getting $60 million a year would be like living below the poverty line.”

“That’s only part of the scam where millions and millions of taxpayers’ dollars were stolen. Judge Gomery, the commissioner in charge of the investigation, isn’t allowed to say who stole the money and where it ended up! Gomery can’t mention ‘any person or organization.’ He can’t say former prime minister Jean Crouton or Prime Minister Paul Martin or former deputy PM John Manley or the Liberal party.”

“He can bark but he can’t bite,” said Clinton. “If I only had Judge Gomery investigating me, I’d probably still be the president of the United States.”

“Probably, Bill. It’s the biggest money-stealing scandal that’s ever taken place in Canada. Nineteen poor fish have already been selected and they will face criminal and civil charges. They’ll get the shaft, while the big Liberal buck-passers will open up the champagne to celebrate the housecleaning that’s just taken place.”

“Wow, Frank! In the south, we would say: ‘I smell the odour of mendacity.’ I presume the Liberal party is in the popularity cellar up there.”

“No. They’re doing okay except in Quebec and out West.”

“What? The media doing a cover-up?”

“No, Bill. They’ve been letting it all hang out. There’s just a lot of loyal Liberals up here. Even if half the Liberal members of parliament were in jail – the Liberals could probably still get elected.”

“Down here, Frank, even the perception that you’re a lying thief will get you to to the political boneyard!”

“Not here.”

“I think I should change the word ‘mendacity’ I used to ‘decadence.’ Maybe my term in office might be the high point for personal morality.”

“Don’t go that far, Bill.”

“Oh yeah. What about that crazy ‘same-sex marriage’ bill I’ve been hearing about that your Prime Minister Martin is trying to ram through?! I sure missed a lot of Sunday school classes, but it didn’t take me long to figure out the difference between a stallion and a mare.”

“That’s the trouble, Bill. It’s the lousy, left-leaning liberal media that’s trying to sell it up here. That’s their tactic: to have the media distract voters from the same-sex ‘marriage’ issue and get it out of their heads by constantly hammering away at the Judge Gomery inquiry.”

“But isn’t the Liberal party afraid of Judge Gomery’s revelations killing them at the polls?”

“Not with the ‘rabbit memories’ Canadian voters have.”

“They can’t remember what ox gored them?”


“I thought, Frank, up until now that we had a like-minded soul in your Paul Martin. I think I’ll send back that Inuit Eskimo carving prime minister Crouton gave me. I don’t want that Judge Gomery investigating me.”