I was having a nightmare recently on account of the Martin Liberals ramming through Bill C-38, when an angel interrupted my screaming. She shook me by the shoulders vigorously. “Frank! Wake up! Do you want to see the judgement of your former prime minister, Paul Martin, Jr.?”
“Is Paul Martin dead?” I wondered. I looked up startled. “Whaddya mean? That’s how you get up there.”
“Right. Paul Martin’s judgement is taking place sometime in the very near future. Because of your intense and unmatched dislike for Paul Martin Jr. and the Liberal party, you have been given a ringside seat.”
I started to backpedal. “What do you mean ‘my intense dislike for Paul Martin and the Liberal party?’”
“We read The Interim.”
“You read The Interim up there?” I exclaimed. She said rather sheepishly, “Well, if it’s a slow day.”
“Oh,” I said.
“Paul Martin’s judgement is going to start any second,” she announced and disappeared. A giant screen appeared on my bedroom wall and there was Paul Martin Jr. He was dressed casually with a ship captain’s cap jauntily over one eye.
The angel appeared again and gave me a big button to press. She said: “This is called the ‘bird button.’ Mr. Martin has been told about it. You press this button whenever you think Mr. Martin’s saying something outrageous and it beeps right in his ear.”
I said: “Good idea.” I tried it out and Martin winced as he put his finger quickly up to his ear. The angel said: “Mr. Martin can’t see or hear you, but you can see and hear him. Now, don’t play with that button or we’ll take it away from you.” I promised I wouldn’t.
“We’re trying something new. St. Peter is before ‘Nero,’ a DVD burner marking Martin on a scale of one to 100 – starting at 100. At zero, you’re a loser. You’re down 10 points immediately if you’re a politician and another 10 points if you’re a criminal lawyer. Lying – obfuscation and treachery will take another 40 points off.”
“What?” I exclaimed. “How can anybody get to heaven with that kind of scoring?”
“With God nothing is impossible,” the angel said rather unctuously. “Wait! Martin is starting to talk.”
“I am and have always been a devout practising Roman Catholic.” I pounded the ‘bird button’ and could tell Martin was not very happy. I could hear St. Peter yelling: “Did he say that?” Angrily he announced: “That’s 40 points off for that one!”
Martin continued. “I was shocked by Judge Gomery’s assertion that there were something like 565 cases of government theft during my tenure as minister of finance. It was certainly news to me.” I almost broke a thumbnail pounding the bird whistle. I heard St. Peter say: “Did he say that? That’s another 40 points off!” Poor Martin, I thought.
Martin spoke up. “I never forced Liberal party members to vote for same-sex ‘marriage.’” He said: “I forced members of Parliament to follow a political deadline and vote along party lines on an issue that deeply divides and troubles Canadians? Surely not me, St. Peter?”
“Did he say that?” cried St. Peter. “Why, if I had my sword – I’d cut off his ear!”
“St. Peter!” sternly warned the angel, “Restrain yourself.”
“Forty more points off!” he announced.
I hit the bird whistle so hard, I almost broke my wrist. Martin continued, “I’ve never missed Mass on Sundays and I’ve always observed all of the teachings of the Catholic church.”
“Did he say that?” said St. Peter, almost overcome with apoplexy. “Forty more points off.” I was so shocked, I forgot to press the button.
Martin said: “I feel that Canadians are glad their MP’s have disposed of the same-sex controversy and are ready to preserve the rights of gays and lesbians to ‘marry.’”
“Did he say that?” asked St. Peter, calming down.
“Yes,” said the angel.
“Sixty points off,” announced St. Peter. I gladly hammered the bird whistle.
“I’m afraid, St.Peter,” said the angel, “that your math is a bit off. You’re into the minus territory now.”
“I noticed.” said St. Peter.
I was beginning to feel a little sorry for Paul Martin Jr. “By the way, St. Peter, Mr. Martin is complaining about a loud bird whistle sound in his ear.”
“Well, you tell that idiot that’s hammering that button to stop it or he’s going to start with 40 points off when he comes before me.”