Premier Ernie Eves was sitting dwarfed by his big desk at Queen’s Park recently, while anxiously awaiting the arrival of his top bureaucrat, known unaffectionately as “Slippery Sam” Slocum.

Then, into the room barged Slippery Sam, announcing, “They’re here! The election committee has arrived.”

“Show them in,” said Ernie.

Into the room bustled a motley crew of yuppily-dressed people who seemed overly anxious to please.

“How’s our campaign going?” asked Ernie. “I don’t want to be told that it’s sunny outside if it’s raining.”

“The enemy’s in retreat,” cracked Bill Bufford, the puffy-faced spokesman for the group.

“Yeah right, Bill,” said Ernie, “They have a 10 per cent lead and they’re gaining.”

“Ah, it’s soft support. It wont last.”

“How’s my autobiography coming along?” asked Ernie.

“We had a hard time finding a writer. But we finally located a new ghost writer with a great title for your new book! It’ll grab the readers.”

“What is it?”

“Dirty Little Secrets From My Past.”

“Get out of here!” said Ernie, looking displeased. “Who’s the writer?”

“Well, he wouldn’t give his full name, but he works for a little paper called The Interim and goes by the name F. Kennedy.”

“Fire him! I know that hack! I want a writer like Hemingway. What else have you been doing?”

“We’ve set up a meeting – big media coverage – with a powerful new women’s group called WAPH.”

“What does that stand for?”

“Women Against Philandering Husbands.”

“Cancel it!” said Ernie, gritting his teeth. “Conflicting schedules. What else is there?”

“Due to the recent power outage, the battery industry wants to name you Battery Salesman of The Year. You have sold more batteries in Canada in a shorter time than any other living human being. They want you to come and unveil a statue of yourself at a Canadian Tire Store.”

“Are you kidding?” said Ernie, looking exasperated. “What else?”

“The New York Times is sending a reporter today to interview you.”

“They are?!” cried Ernie. “The New York Times?”

“Yes! They want to know how you got away with threatening Canadians with rolling blackouts and brownouts if they didn’t reduce hydro usage. They didn’t experience the same situation in the U.S. They also claim that all the necessary power to prevent brownouts and blackouts has been available from Quebec Hydro or elsewhere with just a fast phone call.”

“Tell them I’m not in,” said Ernie, looking even more displeased. “What else?”

“A weather vane company in Sarnia wants to name its newest product the Ernie Eves Spinning in the Wind Vane. They say it accurately reflects your political philosophy. They want you to come up and do a walk through their plant.”

“I’m too busy.”

“I’m sorry, Ernie, but they’ve already erected a giant wind vane free of charge on top of your house.”

“What?! Get that down! What will the neighbours think?”

“They might think it belongs there.”

The phone rang on Ernie’s desk and he answered it.

“Hello? It’s an emergency? You want to speak to Bill Bufford? Bill, it’s for you.”

Ernie handed over the phone. Bufford took it, listened carefully and hung up.

“It was that F. Kennedy guy. He says if you don’t like the title of your new book, he has come up with two other choices: Ernie Eves: A Pale Imitation of Dalton McGuinty or Ernie Eves: A Serial Waffler.”

“I told you to fire that hack! What else is there, Bill?”

“We were at a school recently, as representatives of your government, and found that they had prepared a special plaque just for you.”

“They did? What did it say?”

“Are you sure you want to know?”

“Yes. I can stand some good news.”

“To Ernie Eves – the premier of Ontario. Premier Eves has demonstrated an ability to reverse direction on a dime if it is politically expedient. In just 16 months, he has performed U-turns on electricity deregulation, the sale of Hydro One, pension surplus regulations, nursing home fee hikes and his own severance pay. He has changed from being against mortgage interest deductions in 1996 to being in favour of them in 2003, from being against tax money for private schools in 2001 to being in favour of it in 2003. Ernie Eves has fouled up our school system and our health system. He was in favour of same-sex ‘marriages’ and now he’s not. Ernie Eves’ principles are like a rubber band stretched beyond belief.”

“Okay, now quit fooling around. Where’s the good news?”

“That was the good news.”