I borrowed $10 from my wife, Ileen, for a Liberal party membership in order to pick the new leader of the federal Liberal party at the convention Nov. 29-Dec. 3 in Montreal. She objected to doing so. She felt all new members should put up their own money. She said that I wasn’t a sincere Liberal. I was just going down there to spy on them. I don’t know where she gets these ideas from.

I reminded her that I had run for the Ontario Liberal party under Bob Nixon in 1971 and we had a mortgage on the house to prove it. She said I was only a 15-minute-Liberal. I said that I didn’t think it was that long. She asked me: “Where do you think you’re going to get the $995 for the delegate’s fee?” I promised her that I would be the biggest scrounger the Liberal party had ever encountered.

I got on the Liberal bus and sat beside a bright looking university type and asked him, “Do you think Joe Volpe signed up 35,000 members?” He said: “There aren’t 35,000 people in Canada who would pay $10 to join the Liberal party. I don’t tell my friends that I’m still a Liberal – I’d rather tell them that I’m a sex offender. Oh, I may be exaggerating a bit, but when there was so much federal government pilfering out of the taxpayer’s pocket, it’s been hard to ask them as a loyal Liberal: ‘Give me 10 bucks.’”

I asked: “What did you think of an 11-year-old kid contributing $5,400 to Paul’s leadership campaign?”

“Listen,” he replied. “I’ve met 11-year-old kids who are smarter than some of the people we’ve signed up. I met one guy on the bus today who’s going to Montreal to vote for Mahovlich.”

I told him I saw a bus behind us that was full of gays. He laughed: “That’s got to be Gerard Kennedy. He’s been stroking the gays like you wouldn’t believe. If he’s got one bus, he’s probably got three. And teachers – he’s probably filled a train.”

“I just saw a busload of Sikhs pass us. Who are they supporting?”

“Anybody who’s not a Tory,”he said. “They want that plane re-investigation dumped in the bottom of the lake.”
“Who’s paying for all this?” I wondered.

“Scott Brison borrowed $200,000. Michael Ignatief $150,000. Kennedy, Bob Rae and Ken Dryden all got loans for $100,000. There isn’t a bank in Canada, in its right mind, that would loan those guys that kind of money.”

“You got it. These are friends’ loans to politicians. Why would their loaded friends want their money back – it’s petty cash? And they just bought a key to the politician’s front door. Whatever happened to that `little tin box’ they used to pay all their favours out of?”

“It’s a great big tin box now. Say, who are you supporting?” I said slyly. “I’m just shopping for a candidate. He has to be a pro-lifer.”

“Joe Volpe is. The only pro-lifer there is,” the student claimed.

“What about same-sex ‘marriage’ – he voted in favour of that.”

“Joe’s back on your side now. He’s repentant. Joe may not be the Pope, but he could be the Pope maker.’”

Some people will buy anything. I called out: “Who’s that guy up there? Three rows up. He looks like Henry Morgentaler!”

“It is Henry Morgentaler. What do you think – that he’d be going to a pro-life rally?”

I said: “I didn’t think so. Not yet, anyway.”

“The Liberal party’s a big tent. Where are you staying?”

“At the best hotel in town.” I said. “Only I can’t afford it.”

“We can help. I’m a volunteer with the Joe Volpe campaign. If we can count on your support – you can count on our support.”

“I’m a little short on the delegate’s fee. It’s a bit stiff at $995.”

“How short are you?” “About $900,” I answered meekly.

“We can take care of that. What’s your name?”

“Jeff Sloberkin.”

“Oh, that’s an unusual name. Well, Jeff, my name is Phil. Here’s an envelope to take care of your expenses, Jeff, and a nice big Joe Volpe button to wear. And I’ll see you at the convention.”

He pinned a great big red and white Volpe button on me.

So, dear, if you want to know why I’m calling you from the Royal Suite at the Frontenac Hotel in Montreal – I owe it all to Joe Volpe.