I saw a well-dressed man toss a perfectly good newspaper into a garbage can and disappear into the subway. Being a bit curious, I reached into the can and retrieved it. It was a Toronto Star. I was shocked by the blaring headlines: “Federal Liberals crushed!” Underneath were sub-headings: “Stephen Harper wins massive majority,” “Only pro-life Liberals survive” and “Paul Martin loses seat.’
“What!” I screamed. “The election’s over and I never voted! How could that have happened?” I looked at the date on the newspaper. It read Jan. 24, 2006. It was the day after the election. I must have slept through election day, I thought. How could I have possibly done that?
The Toronto Star was filled with election stories. On page 1: “Paul Martin apologizes for accusing Stephen Harper of eating rats for breakfast.” Martin said that he had fired the media man who fed him the story. Martin also said he was sorry for saying that Stephen Harper was a Nazi spy during World War II. Martin apologized for telling the Toronto Star that Harper had developed AIDS from a stripper in Las Vegas when he was 10-years-old.
Another story was headlined: “Defeated Belinda Stronach says she has been offered a job with Bill Clinton as his executive secretary.”
On the same page was: “Defeated Svend Robinson says he will open up a jewellery store.” He’ll sell rings exclusively and nothing over $50,000. Also, he will sell his recently published autobiography, Svend Robinson: Character and Ethics Are Important.
On page 2 was: “Re-elected Stockwell Day named deputy prime minister.” Day announced that his first order of business in the House was to move a motion to reduce the salaries of all Supreme Court judges to what a committee has ruled is more in keeping with what they are worth: a dollar a year. The news was greeted with loud cries of outrage by the homosexual, lesbian and trans-sexual community, who threatened to move to San Francisco.
Re-elected Myron Thompson was appointed minister of justice and announced his first move. Thompson made Stephen Lewis and Bob Rae joint, permanent goodwill ambassadors to Greenland and the Arctic Circle, with special responsibility for agricultural development above the tree line.
Defeated former Liberal minister of finance, Ralph Goodale, involved in an RCMP criminal investigation, was charged by the new justice minister with leaking out information to loyal Liberals on how Ottawa was going to treat income trusts, thus fattening their wallets.
Re-elected Jason Kenney was named minister of health by Harper and called for all abortuaries and hospitals that do abortions to have, “I’m sorry I had an abortion” greeters on staff. Henry Morgentaler denounced the move, calling it a cheap trick thought up by a disgruntled Interim columnist. (I categorically deny it, Henry.)
Former defeated NDP leader Jack Layton claims he was a victim of the President George Bush Fan Club. Jack demanded a recount of all the ridings – except the ones the NDP won.
Defeated Paul Martin planned to take a course in how to improve his memory and also to write an expose of Justice John Gomery and his investigation of the Liberal Party scandals under the title: “How Could You Do This to Your Golfing Buddies?”
Just then, a police officer approached me and accused me of stealing a newspaper from a garbage can which is municipal property. He said that if I threw the paper back, he would not give me a court summons. I insisted that I would not – that it had a writeup about the outcome of the forthcoming federal election and that the paper was extremely valuable. In the tussle that ensued, he wrenched it from me. After scanning the paper, the officer announced that it was a Sunday, Jan. 22 edition, with nothing about the forthcoming election results. The last thing I remember was that he was talking on a cellphone, saying, “We’ve got a dingbat here.”
Suddenly, I heard my wife calling: “Frank! Are you having another nightmare?!”
I smiled. “No, dear. It was the nicest dream I’ve ever had.”