Queen’s Park Ont.

Yes!  Somebody stole our car!  It was the most annoying and frightening thing that has happened to me since Bob Rae got elected.  They say a Republican is a Democrat who’s been mugged.  Well I felt the same way when I discovered our ’93 Honda was missing.  I was frantic!  I was angry!  I had almost persuaded to champion the death penalty for people suspected of being car thieves.

It was stolen right out of the car port in front of our house while we slept.  Here I am, the captain of the Neighbourhood Watch on our street, and somebody steals our car out of the car port right under the kitchen window.  I was surprised the Neighbourhood Watch didn’t ask me to turn in my folder.

Also, embarrassingly, I got up in the morning to get the newspaper which is always left in the car port and didn’t even notice the car was missing.

When I called the police, a friendly female police officer told me that Hondas are the most popular car to steal.  And they are also the easiest to break into.  Now isn’t that nice to know?  She told me not to get overly excited; the car would likely be recovered within 48 hours.  If it were not found within a month, then it was unlikely ever to be found.

She wanted to know if I had left keys in the car and I said no emphatically.  She asked me if I had any suspicions as to who might have taken the car.

“You may not know but I’m a pro-lifer and I suspect that it is a pro-choicer who stole my car!  It wouldn’t be logical for a pro-lifer to steal my car.  I’ve got a big WE MOURN 25 YEARS OF ABORTION sign in my car port and they couldn’t help but see it.  It had to be a pro-choicer.  It’s using the same theory that you used in the Morgentaler abortuary fire bombing – it had to be a pro-lifer.”

She wasn’t too excited about my theory but asked politely who my enemies were.

“Bob Rae, Marion Boyd, Ruth Grier, Clayton Ruby, Morris Manning and the whole NDP cabinet.  They’re out to get us pro-lifers one way or the other.  Don’t you realize that?”  She thanked me rather unenthusiastically “for these promising leads” and hung up.

When I phoned, the lady at the insurance company told me to relax or I’d end up with a bad case of paranoia.  She said the car might turn up within 24 hours if it had just been taken for a joy ride.  Failing that possibility, it could already be in Buffalo, Nigeria or was being cannibalized for parts.  I was upset with the thought of our poor Honda ending up that way.  She said they would also pay for a rental car and if after a month our car was not recovered, then they would make a settlement based on their book value of the car.  I had a horrible feeling after hearing this that we might end up with a Lada.

The leasing company told me to keep up our payments though they did not explain how they were going to repossess a stolen car.

I remember reading an article in a magazine about stolen cars being left on a nearby street to be picked up by another party and driven somewhere else where they are loaded into a truck for final disposal.  Panic stricken I ran all over the neighbourhood looking for our familiar green Honda – but no luck.

The police finally called us late that same night.  Our Honda had ended up on the front lawn of a house about ten miles north of where we live after clearing a four foot ditch.  It had suffered considerable front-end damage and wasn’t driveable.  Bad news!

We ended up getting a rental Honda with only 87 kilometres on it.  In the meantime I had become so paranoid that I was getting up in the middle of the night and looking out the window to see if the new Honda was still there.  If they steal this rental car – how will I be able to convince the police that I’m not operating a stolen car ring!

When a friendly neighbour out walking her dog in the early morning reported seeing a man running from our house I decided that I was going to set a trap.  I got up in the middle of the night and turned on the kitchen light and looked out the window.  Sure enough there was a guy running away from our house across the lawn.  I poured out of the house in my dressing gown and tackled him before he got to the roadway.

He turned and looked at me and said: “If you keep on doing this, Mr. Kennedy, I won’t deliver your paper again.”