Paul Tuns:

Get Married: Why Americans Must Defy the Elites, Forge Strong Families, and Save Civilization
by Brad Wilcox (Broadside Books, $39.50, 293 pages)

Sociologist Brad Wilcox, director of the National Family Project at the University of Virginia and a fellow at the Institute for Family Studies, promises a lot – or at least argues that marriage promises a lot – in his new book Get Married. Sifting through seven major surveys and providing examples from both popular culture and anecdotes, Wilcox says that marriage is the surest route for both individuals and society to prosper and flourish. Individuals who are married are more likely to be happier and say they find their lives more meaningful than those who are not, despite the popular media and cultural biases that say leaning into one’s job and (selfish) personal fulfillment are better paths to a happier life than marriage and having children.

Andrew Tate, a former kickboxer who argues that women are disposable and men need not attach themselves to a wife to enjoy a life of happiness and good sex, is the flipside of the many female perspectives promoted in journalism, memoirs, and novels that women are better off joining the rat race of corporate climbing sans a husband and children. While some people may enjoy those lifestyles, Wilcox shows that survey data reveals most people will be happier, wealthier, and better off overall if they are married and have children than those who do not. Wilcox recognizes there are exceptions, but says the survey data clearly support the thesis that contrary to these images in the popular media (and the exceptions), that “work, money, freedom, and the unencumbered life” is not the “recipe for a meaningful and happy life” for most people.

Wilcox lays a lot of blame for the decline in marriage to the radicalism of the “Me Decade” of the 1970s which prioritized a self-centeredness that leads away from family formation as the key to happiness: “Work hard. Play Hard. Stay Single. Keep your options open. Above all, make your life about ‘self-love’.” The evidence shows that this message is dead wrong.

Intuitively, it makes sense, though: not being encumbered by children – time out of the workforce to give birth, foregoing extra hours in order to take of the kids or shar time with a husband – should mean more opportunities to make income. But in 2020 in the U.S., married mothers aged 18-55 had a median family income of 108,000 while childless single women of the same age had a median family income of $41,000 – well below half the total of married mothers. Does providing for kids suck up all that income gain? No, it doesn’t. These same married mothers accumulated $322,000 in median assets compared to just 100,000 for their single, childless counterparts.

But are single, childless women happier or living more meaningful lives? They are not. In 2021, 60 per cent of mothers 18-55 reported that their lives were meaningful most or all of the time, compared to just 36 per cent of single women those ages. Fully three-quarters of married mothers reported being completely or somewhat satisfied with their lives, compared to just 54 per cent of childless, single women. Similarly, married fathers are better off than single, childless men. The patterns repeat across various demographics (age, class, political leanings). It is clear that marriage is, for most people, better than the single life.

Marriage is also good for society, which is a problem because “for the first time in our nation’s history, less than half of American adults are married.” Children who grow up in intact homes are less likely to get into trouble at school, more likely to complete school, and 75 per cent less likely to use drugs. Adults who are married are (unsurprisingly) less likely to report they are lonely most or all of the time, and Wilcox connects the increasing deaths of despair from drug overdoses, alcohol-related deaths, and suicide, to fewer people being connected to others through meaningful familial relationships.

Wilcox marshals a great deal of evidence but there are numerous graphs to make the steady diet of statistics manageable and anecdotes to make them relatable.

He also shows how certain mentalities (the “soulmate myth,” the “parent trap,” the “maybe I do mentality”) undermine marriage by creating unrealistic expectations or dangerous prophecies. Parenthood is not a trap which ensnares parents and prevents them from fulfilling their (selfish) desires, but the opportunity to multiply the loves and cares in one’s life. Wilcox also provides evidence for what makes personally (and sexually) fulfilling marriages, including shared responsibilities in caring for children (if not the chores) and a shared faith. Faith, Wilcox observes “directly reinforces fidelity, open communication, generosity, and above all, a high spiritual value regarding sex.”

Wilcox also observes that the predominantly liberal elite argue for divorce, single-parenthood, childlessness, and other self-centered sources of personal fulfillment, but that the evidence shows that they do not themselves live by the loose licenses they promote for others. “Strivers” (college educated, good incomes) are 25 per cent less likely to divorce compared to the 1970s and 90 per cent of their children are born in intact families. Wilcox notes that 68 per cent of self-identified liberals who have completed college are in their first marriage (as opposed to unmarried or remarried) compared to 40 per cent of non-college educated liberals; but college-educated liberals are also more likely to be in their first marriage than non-college educated conservatives (46 per cent). Wilcox calls these elites “inverted hypocrites” who do not, as Charles Murray says, “preach what they practice.”

Family breakdown or family avoidance has been disastrous for both individuals and society. There should be a pro-family message, Wilcox argues, that “giving to others – especially spouses and families – is the path most likely to lead to a meaningful and generally happy life for most of us.” Stable marriage is “the ultimate privilege” Wilcox argues, but he says much more needs to be done to support marriage and family in both the cultural signals and government policy.