Great news! I just got elected president and CEO of the newly formed Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Canadian Christians & Jews (SPCCCJ) at a closed-door meeting of the club held recently in Toronto.

Someone ran against me for president, but I don’t know who it was. We all wore masks for reasons of secrecy and used phony names. I took the name “Hair Challenged.” I beat out “Mr. Semper Fidelis.” It wasn’t too difficult. He didn’t speak English or any other language that anyone knew. The other six members declined to run. In my acceptance speech, I warned that we Christians and Jews were an endangered species and will have to fight to the death for our survival.

They liked that line and cheered deliriously.

“Our enemies are all around us,” I said. “We have to be vigilant. We are in danger. We have to fight!” At that time, I had to talk some of the members out of resigning.

The newly elected vice-president, called “Fearless Frank,” wanted to know if there was a fire escape in the building in case we were attacked. I said, “Yes, but we’ve been unable to find the key for the door.” He looked rather sad.

The newly appointed treasurer, who took the name “Miss Birdbrain,” demanded to know how much severance pay she would get if the club folded. I broke the news to her as gently as I could: “None.” When I asked her about her honesty, she said: “I’ve never been caught stealing yet.”

We agreed that the secretary, named “Tough Bananas,” was to take notes for the meeting. Everything was to be top secret. The only thing we couldn’t agree on was how late the bar was going to stay open. We narrowly voted down having it stay open “until dawn.”

The first major topic on the agenda was to discuss a recent article that appeared in the National Post: “Harper, Dion cite Canada’s secular values.”

We had all read the article and denounced it strongly. “Pit Bull” asked: “Why are Harper and Dion talking about “secular values”? Don’t ‘Wind-sniffer’ Harper and ‘The Sheep’ Dion know that Canada was founded on Judeo-Christian principles? They must think the British North America Act – the BNA – is a rock group!”

“Sad Sack” spoke up: “Multiculturalism shouldn’t mean the death of our Christian heritage. There’s ‘Sheep Dog’ Dion bragging about killing Christian schools in Newfoundland, Labrador and, lastly, Quebec. Since when has secularism been made the state religion? There’s a sneaky group out there who would like to sell us a leaky lifeboat.”

“Mr. Direct Action” said: “It’s only a matter of time until the Supreme Court of Canada will force priests and ministers to celebrate same-sex, sodomite ‘marriages.’ They’ll say it’s our duty and will be discrimination against fellow Canadian citizens if we don’t.”

“It’s against the Ten Commandments,” cried “Pit Bull.”

“The Supreme Court will say it’s against the Charter of Rights and Freedoms,” added “Mr. Direct Action.”

“What does Dion say?” “The Hacker” asked.

“Mr. Direct Action” replied: “He says: ‘We live in a secular world, in a country where the government itself has no religion. We have values. And one of our values is to protect the rights of each citizen to have religious freedom.”

“That’s bull!” cried “Fearless Frank.” “We’ve lived in a country founded on Christian principles for centuries and secularism is only as recent as Burger King. Where do Dion’s values come from? If they don’t come from God, they come from secular humanistic values and history will prove they don’t tolerate any other values.”

“The Hacker” said: “I think I’ll head for Saudi Arabia. At least they don’t have the pretence of religious freedom.”

Suddenly, there was loud banging on the front door and a gruff voice called out: “This is the police! Throw out your weapons and come out with your hands over your heads! We’ll give you three minutes.”

“Get out of here!” I yelled. “We’re Water Buffalos. We’re having an induction of new Water Buffalos into our club. This is a private club. Get out! Or I’m going to call my MP.”

“Oh, sorry about that, sir. We got wrong information about some group planning to overthrow the government of Canada.”

“Nonsense!” I said. “Who’d want to do that?”