Editor’s Note: The first half of this two-part story appeared in the March issue of The Interim.
Here is what I have learned about having a miscarriage (admittedly, not a professional medical opinion). It often starts with spotting bright red blood and cramping. This is not normal during pregnancy and is especially worrisome in the first trimester. Lie down and let your family doctor, ob/gyn or midwife know what is happening right away. Get someone to be with you if you are alone. If you are cramping heavily and you feel you are going to pass something, get a container and get to the bathroom and catch it if you can. Do not go alone to the hospital and bring whatever you have passed with you. It might contain the placenta and the “conceptus” – another word we learned from our experience. The doctor needs to know if you have miscarried or if the baby is still inside. Let the person with you stand up for your rights and don’t be bullied by hospital personnel who might “suggest” sterilization or other treatments at this critical time. If you want to bury your baby, be polite but insistent about the hospital giving you the paperwork necessary to do this. An advocate is essential, because the woman having the miscarriage might not be physically or emotionally strong enough to do this. Some people store the remains of the baby in the fridge until it’s time for the burial (if that’s what you choose to do).
When you are ready, share your story. Miscarriage is clouded in secrecy, but it doesn’t need to be. When people ask you how you are doing, don’t feel you have to say “fine” if you aren’t. A phrase I found useful was “hanging in there.” It lets people know you’re coping, but still hurting.
Let your other children know, involve them in choosing a name, selecting a toy to put in the coffin, helping to choose a suitable container for a coffin; we bought a beautiful box to use as a coffin at Pier 1 for each subsequent baby. In short, let them be part of this family experience. Children are very observant and know when something is wrong, but feel frustrated when no one is telling them anything and might think they did something wrong. Reassure them that nothing they did or said or thought caused the miscarriage. Tell them that they now have a brother or sister in heaven, waiting for them. Pro-life awareness starts in the home.
If you feel you need to talk to someone, contact your pastor or priest, a trusted friend, seek counselling or a miscarriage support group. I found reading about miscarriage very therapeutic.
Above all, pray and ask God for healing and for protection for you, your baby, your husband or the father of the baby, for your other children, the rest of your family, for whoever is helping you. And remember, you are not alone. God is always watching over us and allows things in his infinite wisdom that we may not understand. All will eventually be revealed for the greater glory of God.
Tanya Choly lives with her husband, Father Bohdan, and their six children in St. Catharines, Ont.
