Children! Attention, please! How do the federal Liberals know when to call an election? Morgy?”

“Whenever they feel like it, sir”

“Wrong, Morgy! Sit down! The Liberals call an election when they think they can win. Everybody should know that.”

“But usually, children, it’s when the polls are favorable to Liberals – when the Tories don’t have enough members in Parliament to have a bridge game – when the Bloc Québécois are preparing a compost pile for their latest leader. Or when the Reform party has been kicked to death by the media. Or it could be when a great Canada-wide amnesia befalls the people of Canada and they can’t remember the horrible lies about getting rid of the GST – that they have only governed for three-and-a-half years instead of five they were elected for and so on and so on…”

“But, sir, aren’t all politicians liars?”

“No, but many are very good at it. Why, students, for example didn’t the Liberals pass even their high priority legislation – such as restricting the freedom of high risk offenders – mothers renting their wombs – sperm sales and sex selection for non-medical purposes – and greater protection of endangered species?”

“Sir, ‘endangered species’ – isn’t that another term for members of Parliament?”

“Very witty. Why would you say that?”

“Well, sir, don’t elected MPs act like lap dogs in order that some day they get to sit around a cabinet table and chew on the big bones with the big dogs?”

“I see young man that you have a promising future as an anarchist. Would somebody explain to the class how the Liberal party determines what parachute candidate gets the nomination? Little Elvio?”

Special qualifications

“If she’s a pro-abort, a lesbian or a man-hating feminist and a woman who would run down her mother with her bicycle if she thought she didn’t vote Liberal – that woman’s got the inside track.”

“A very good answer. Now how do the Liberals manage to win the election before the election? I see a lot of hands are up.”

“Sir, they pass a law – which no other party objects to – that anti-abortionists and other citizens can’t badmouth the old-line parties a month before election. Unfortunately an Alberta judge ruled it was illegal. Illegal! Don’t Liberals have a God-give right to rule?”

“Thank you, little Pierre-Elliott, for that observation. Who else had their hand up?”

“Sir, reducing the length of the election – just in case the people start to smarten up late in the campaign.”

“Clever observation.”

“Saying that you’re not a real political party if you don’t run 50 candidates and toss in a $1,000 for each one of them?”

“Dead on. Now, children, who will pick the cabinet and the members of the Supreme Court?”

“The leader of the Liberal party – I mean the prime minister.”

“That’s true. And the litmus test for being acceptable? All together class?”

“You gotta be pro-abort!!”

“How come all the judges across Canada are all pro-abort?”

“Because 90 per cent of the pool of lawyers they draw from are pro-abort.”

“Who selects these judges? Would it be Jim Hughes? Father Ted Colleton?”

“No, sir, Mostly Liberal party hacks.”

“Correct. Now can anybody tell me why Linda Gibbons has been in jail for three?”

“Because they charge her over and over again with trespassing rather than charging her with breaking the injunction. Because they know the injunction – even in a ‘democracy’ like ours – would be tossed out the window.”

“Good observation. I have never had a class in current events that has ever been as smart as you are. I feel that you’re all going to get a 100 per cent! However, some of your, I’m afraid, will have to have the invisible ‘L’ for Liberal erased from your foreheads. Don’t forget to get your book reports in on ‘The Life of Jim Hughes’.