Queen’s Park, Ont.

We’ve appealed to people in Ontario to reject abortion on the grounds of its cruelty to the preborn, its unfairness ane its innate wickedness.  Maybe we’re going about it all wrong.

A group of us decided to go around to Gerber (Canada), the baby food company, and test our suspicions.  When we told the CEO’s secretary that we had a big money-making deal for them, as if by magic, the CEO and all his executives rushed to listen to our proposal.

I’m afraid they were shocked when we told them that a guy by the name of Morgentaler,with his buddies had killed a million and a half of their potential customers over the past 20 years!  Some of them had to be restrained from jumping out the window at the news.

We told the executives that we could make them a pile of bucks if they helped us save the next million and a half potential customers who were slated for the same treatment.  Well they got so excited at that prospect that their eyes looked like Looneys.

We told them that all we needed was a modest donation of a few million dollars to the pro-life cause which, we informed them, is the only group fighting to restore profitability to the baby food industry.

We talked ‘market share and what that would do for their ‘botton line.’

Unfortunately for us, this concept proved a little too difficult for the Gerber people to understand and we found ourselves unceremoniously tossed out on the sidewalk by a crew of security guards. Let’s give them some credit – maybe we asked for too much money.

Then off we went to the Toronto Star Queen’s Park Bureau and told them the same sad  story about a million and a half of their readers being killed.  The Star has wondered why its circulation was falling and it was certainly news to the reporters about the million and a half being killed.  (They never read it in the Star).

And it was certainly news to them that there was an open contract on another million and a half babies.  Due to cutbacks in their editorial staff, they said that they wouldn’t be able to investigate the situation for at least a year and a half.

We asked for a few favourable mentions of the Family Coalition Party and the Christian Heritage Party in the paper now and then.  But the bureau chief said that they were perfectly satisfied with the three old-line parties, because they all thought the same.

Our last stop on our hard-nose campaign to garner support for the pro-life cause ended at General Motors in Oshawa.  They thought we were planning to but a GMC dealership and got out the red carpet for us and invited us for lunch in the executive dining room.

When we broke the news that a potential million and a half Canadian car buyers had been murdered – they fell on the floor and cried.  It was painful to see them.  They even figured out how much money they had lost.

We certainly swayed them, and they even let us speak to some union reps.  When we told them that thousands of their jobs had been lost because of the million and a half car customers that had been killed – they got mad as hell and then stomped out of the plant in an illegal walkout.  All twenty thousand of them got in their cars and, the last I heard, they were heading towards Queen’s Park.