The Secular Humanistic Society (which has a slogan: “You are good – if you do good”) sent me a communication recently, denouncing me for holding convictions that weren’t theirs. I’m guilty. I’m a creationist. I tell you guys, it takes a lot of faith to believe in the big bang theory – that it started the whole world – when none of [...]
I was having a nightmare recently on account of the Martin Liberals ramming through Bill C-38, when an angel interrupted my screaming. She shook me by the shoulders vigorously. “Frank! Wake up! Do you want to see the judgement of your former prime minister, Paul Martin, Jr.?” “Is Paul Martin dead?” I wondered. I looked up startled. “Whaddya mean? That’s how you [...]
Former U.S. president Bill Clinton was on the phone. “Frank, it’s me, Bill! Not Bill Gates! He was the one that suggested I call you and get the real lowdown on Canadian politics. He said if there was anybody who thinks he knows what’s going on in Canada, it’s you.” “Thanks,” I said lamely. “Say, how’s Belinda coming along? See her much?” [...]
What a warrior. What a Pope. twenty-six years ago, when John Paul II became Pope, what dilemmas he faced. An insurmountable mountain, some would say. “Have courage.” That’s what he said to the world and that’s what he personally displayed fighting fires all over the world. Communists had taken over eastern Europe and big red Russia was not making idle threats to [...]
I had a dream recently, in which I wished that I had taken my camcorder to bed so the whole world would be able to see it in living colour. It was Condoleezza Rice, the U.S. secretary of state, racing into President Bush’s office at the Crawford Ranch in Texas, yelling: “George! It’s Paul Martin! The prime minister of Canada! He’s been [...]
The Vatican phoned! It was a prelate in the cardinal’s office in charge of totally disastrous situations. I learned that I had just been appointed grand inquisitor! There hadn’t been a grand inquisitor appointed since the Spanish Inquisition. Here I was, a humble layman and my job was to address a serious case of heresy affecting Canada. I was provided with amazing [...]
Ever since I quit smoking other people's cigarettes over 30 years ago, I've been known to be dead against smoking. I think that's why I was recently offered the job of managing the new Smoke Police Department. I accepted it. A gentleman known only as Zorba, a deputy in the office of the Honourable George Smitherman, the Ontario minister of health and [...]
Ever since I quit smoking other people's cigarettes over 30 years ago, I've been known to be dead against smoking. I think that's why I was recently offered the job of managing the new Smoke Police Department. I accepted it. A gentleman known only as Zorba, a deputy in the office of the Honourable George Smitherman, the Ontario minister of health and [...]
I had just finished reading Paul Tuns's Jean Chretien: A Legacy of Scandal (a great book and a must-read for people who believe there's justice out there somewhere) when my TV switched on of its own accord and there in full colour was St. Peter at the Golden Gate. Soon, I found myself in a large cavernous room. There were all kinds [...]
As I was walking in front of the Parliament Buildings recently, I was approached by a well-dressed man pulling an oversized suitcase along the sidewalk. He said, "You look like the kind of a man who would appreciate a good bargain." Hiding my inexpensive briefcase under my arm, I assured him that I certainly was. He said: "My name is Joe. I've [...]
When federal Justice Minister Irwin Cotler announced recently that the pool of potential candidates for the two vacancies on the Supreme Court of Canada was "an embarrassment of riches," he got it partly right. A total embarrassment for the Canadian people that the choices that the "pool" for judges shrunk to Louise Charron and Rosalie Abella, two left-leaning radical feminists who favour [...]
I met two people in my life whom I genuinely feel should be declared saints (other than my wife and my bank manager) and they are Dr. Jerome Lejeune and Joe (hold on now) ... Borowski. One, Dr. Lejeune, a genius and world-renowned scientist, and devout, pro-life Catholic, who discovered the cause of Down syndrome and the other, Joe Borowski, a former [...]
I had another one of my horrific dreams recently. It ranged somewhere in between a nightmare and watching a reality show. There were the headlines in the Toronto Star: "HARPER WINS IN LANDSLIDE - ONLY PRO-LIFE LIBERALS SURVIVE." "MARTIN LOSES SAFE LIBERAL SEAT AND RESIGNS AS LEADER OF LIBERAL PARTY." "CONSERVATIVES TAKE ALL WESTERN SEATS - DEFEATED NDP LEADER JACK LAYTON SAYS [...]
I can't see the point of putting rich Martha Stewart in jail. I have a list of people that could go around the block who should go there first. I like to think of Martha ending up in jail as "lawyer failure." So she acted on a tip and lied about it under oath. Yes, she should have humbly confessed. Juries are [...]
I answered the door and there was Prime Minister Paul Martin standing there. I expected him to be on time. "Are you the wise old sage I've been told can help me with the political disasters I'm facing?" "Wise old sage?" I laughed. "I've been called worse things than that. I give advice to politicians and sometimes they act on it and [...]